Saturday, August 7, 2010

It's in the small things

there is beauty in the small moments.

we tend to look for BIG things in life to bring it meaning. we tend to peer toward a BIG event to make life special. but, that's not what it's about. yes, the big moments are important.... significant.... meaningful. they just don't happen all that often. it's within the spaces of each day that we find the more precious and fulfilling things in life ... if only we look at them.

I'm sure you all remember with very vivid detail those seconds of your life that were huge. good or bad. the first kiss. the death of a friend or relative. the birth of a child. marriage. divorce. it all rolls into the definition of a big moment. a moment that changes your life. for obvious reasons.

Yet, here i am. It was a truly normal day the day we found out Jaxon had cancer. A day that was supposed to be spent at a dr. appt and then lunch. But it wasn't.....and that day is what made me see beauty in every day. An average day that I have begun to see as beautiful....the small moments that make me smile. We all have them. anything that brings a smile to your heart.... that's it. Right there, the good stuff. So, I figured today on this nothing special day I would share some of those infinitescimal moments with you....

- there's the smell of the top of Jaxon's head. when I'm sitting in the rocking chair holding him and his little police blankie...that sweet smell of little baby and little boy mixed with sweat and play...I love that smell.

- seeing Abby singing in the car....her tune a little off but damn it, she's singing her heart out and it's beautiful. awesome songs like I'm too sexy...and Ice Ice Baby. She smiles and belts it out just like she's a diva.

- i heard a little girl laughing at the grocery store the other morning. full blown giggles coming from another aisle, and i couldn't help but laugh, too.

-sunsets...I love pictures of sunsets...and nature. It makes me smile and reminds me of what really matters in the world and where I come from.

So, tell me what small, seemingly insignificant moments you've experienced the last few days that made an impression. What made your heart smile?

Life is good, people. life is what we make it. If you're open and willing to notice the little things that no one else may ever know about, you're headed in the right direction. I will always wish for each of you to live well and to find your blessings in those you love.

cancer tornado

As I sit here at Jaxon's bedside, my thoughts begin to wander...I am sitting here watching his chest rise and fall to the soft, monotone sounds of the pump...I look out the window and the weather is so pretty, with warm sunshine beaming down and a soft, gentle breeze blowing...I realize how childhood cancer is so much like a tornado in reality.......How you can just be living life to the fullest, being carefree; and all of a sudden the clouds start rolling, the winds get stronger, and the skies grow darker....A tornado rages with anger...and as it travels there is no rhyme or reason to it takes this house, and leaves another...Childhood cancer is much the same...It hits with no rhyme or reason, taking this child and leaving another...It makes no sense how a tornado can totally destroy a home, and a few feet away leaves one untouched; unharmed...As I sit here and look at Jaxon, I cannot for the life of me, believe that this horrible tornado, called 'cancer' is reeking havac in our neighborhood/'family'...I watch as it damages the small replica of my home/'myself' just a few feet away...Then I realize; that I am not sitting here going unharmed; untouched by this tornado next door...Even though my house/'person' my appear that way from the outside, the structure of my home/'my being', my heart and my soul will not walk away from this without in alot of ways being changed forever...weaker in some areas and stronger in others....weaker in selfishness, doubt, and uncertainty; stronger in Faith, Hope and Compassion.......This cancer doesn't just disappear as quickly as it came...much unlike a lingers....then pretends it goes away, just to reappear again...It is almost as if it is playing games with us; the parents who have children with cancer....kind of like a 'hide-and-seek' game, or a game of 'catch me if you can'.......Well, I am tired of playing this heartless game...but I'm not a quitter, and neither is Jaxon...He didn't choose to be a player in this game; it chose him...So far he has stepped up to the plate and played 'hard-ball'...As his mama, all I can do is stand here and be his coach...encourage him, cheer him on....knowing by Faith that he is going to win this game, by a landslide....
When the storm is over and the skies clear...we will assess the damage to his little body, and start rebuilding/'healing', one tiny blood cell at a time....
Thank you all for being there, standing on the side lines and cheering him on as well.....