Thursday, August 25, 2011

Life has changed as I know it...

Well, life has definitely changed for me since the last time I posted. My running life has become non-exsistent. The kids and I have moved to a new town which in itself is good, as I am not 5 min from work and not over an hour. But we have moved in with M. M and I have had a VERY complicated relationship over the last almost 3 years. He works with me and I love him so much, however he is also in the National Guard. Imagine Michael Holden on Army Wives...that is M, to a T. Currently M is deployed in Afghanistan and won't be back until May of 2012. A and J started their new school on Wednesday and me, I'm getting ready to get off my butt here and change clothes and take myself downstairs to the treadmill. I have to pull myself up and make myself start running again. I need something for me...and something that makes me feel okay again. This deployment has jacked up so much....and I don't know where M and I are on the commitment/life track and that scares me. I am trying to be the Army Strong girl that he needs me to be, but damn this is hard....harder than I know how to deal with most of the time. I am trying....

Saturday, August 7, 2010

It's in the small things

there is beauty in the small moments.

we tend to look for BIG things in life to bring it meaning. we tend to peer toward a BIG event to make life special. but, that's not what it's about. yes, the big moments are important.... significant.... meaningful. they just don't happen all that often. it's within the spaces of each day that we find the more precious and fulfilling things in life ... if only we look at them.

I'm sure you all remember with very vivid detail those seconds of your life that were huge. good or bad. the first kiss. the death of a friend or relative. the birth of a child. marriage. divorce. it all rolls into the definition of a big moment. a moment that changes your life. for obvious reasons.

Yet, here i am. It was a truly normal day the day we found out Jaxon had cancer. A day that was supposed to be spent at a dr. appt and then lunch. But it wasn't.....and that day is what made me see beauty in every day. An average day that I have begun to see as beautiful....the small moments that make me smile. We all have them. anything that brings a smile to your heart.... that's it. Right there, the good stuff. So, I figured today on this nothing special day I would share some of those infinitescimal moments with you....

- there's the smell of the top of Jaxon's head. when I'm sitting in the rocking chair holding him and his little police blankie...that sweet smell of little baby and little boy mixed with sweat and play...I love that smell.

- seeing Abby singing in the car....her tune a little off but damn it, she's singing her heart out and it's beautiful. awesome songs like I'm too sexy...and Ice Ice Baby. She smiles and belts it out just like she's a diva.

- i heard a little girl laughing at the grocery store the other morning. full blown giggles coming from another aisle, and i couldn't help but laugh, too.

-sunsets...I love pictures of sunsets...and nature. It makes me smile and reminds me of what really matters in the world and where I come from.

So, tell me what small, seemingly insignificant moments you've experienced the last few days that made an impression. What made your heart smile?

Life is good, people. life is what we make it. If you're open and willing to notice the little things that no one else may ever know about, you're headed in the right direction. I will always wish for each of you to live well and to find your blessings in those you love.

cancer tornado

As I sit here at Jaxon's bedside, my thoughts begin to wander...I am sitting here watching his chest rise and fall to the soft, monotone sounds of the pump...I look out the window and the weather is so pretty, with warm sunshine beaming down and a soft, gentle breeze blowing...I realize how childhood cancer is so much like a tornado in reality.......How you can just be living life to the fullest, being carefree; and all of a sudden the clouds start rolling, the winds get stronger, and the skies grow darker....A tornado rages with anger...and as it travels there is no rhyme or reason to it takes this house, and leaves another...Childhood cancer is much the same...It hits with no rhyme or reason, taking this child and leaving another...It makes no sense how a tornado can totally destroy a home, and a few feet away leaves one untouched; unharmed...As I sit here and look at Jaxon, I cannot for the life of me, believe that this horrible tornado, called 'cancer' is reeking havac in our neighborhood/'family'...I watch as it damages the small replica of my home/'myself' just a few feet away...Then I realize; that I am not sitting here going unharmed; untouched by this tornado next door...Even though my house/'person' my appear that way from the outside, the structure of my home/'my being', my heart and my soul will not walk away from this without in alot of ways being changed forever...weaker in some areas and stronger in others....weaker in selfishness, doubt, and uncertainty; stronger in Faith, Hope and Compassion.......This cancer doesn't just disappear as quickly as it came...much unlike a lingers....then pretends it goes away, just to reappear again...It is almost as if it is playing games with us; the parents who have children with cancer....kind of like a 'hide-and-seek' game, or a game of 'catch me if you can'.......Well, I am tired of playing this heartless game...but I'm not a quitter, and neither is Jaxon...He didn't choose to be a player in this game; it chose him...So far he has stepped up to the plate and played 'hard-ball'...As his mama, all I can do is stand here and be his coach...encourage him, cheer him on....knowing by Faith that he is going to win this game, by a landslide....
When the storm is over and the skies clear...we will assess the damage to his little body, and start rebuilding/'healing', one tiny blood cell at a time....
Thank you all for being there, standing on the side lines and cheering him on as well.....

Monday, July 19, 2010

For the love of the game

So, today was a first for me. I actually allowed someone of the opposite sex to come on my run with me. I have someone who is a friend who could possibly be more, but he's complicated....ask me if he could come meet me at the track and run with me. I told him yes, but I have always been reluctant before due to the fear of someone thinking I run funny or not "the right way," or that I didn't run fast enough or making fun of me when I had to walk. But it was good, we ran and talked and it was good. :-)
Then tonight Jaxon and I went to the park and played. It is so hard with his immune system to get out but not in a place where there are so many germs. I am trying to find healthy meals that the kids will love as well as being good for them. Any ideas??

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Today should be history

I am ready for today to be over. This is the day that my best friend, DG and I become the same age~33 for a few months. I made a video montage of the fabulous 4 chickas for DG's birthday. You can see it here:

DG is the sister that God forgot to give me. She is a true blessing in my family's life. I love her more than she will ever know. She is my soul sister and I wanted to wish her a happy birthday.
Another one of the fab 4 chickas is having a horrible, rough day. Princess Jeni's daddy was sent home from the hospital today to spend the rest of his days with his family. I know this is some of the roughest days she will have and I only wish I could be there to hug her so big! I know what those days are like and once again, I hate cancer!! I wish no family ever had to be touched by it again.
I had a great run tonight, even though that wasn't what I was thinking when I pulled in at the track. It was sprinkling when I got there and turned on the tunes. As I headed around the first bend of the track I realized it was raining a bit harder but there were birds there keeping me company. I came around the bend and they just stayed there in the field watching me and it was like a mutual respect. They knew I wasn't there to mess with them and they weren't going to mess with me. I just gave them a nod as I kept on trucking by. I loved running my 3 miles in the rain tonight...nothing hard just a steady rain and it had me thinking about life and how it often comes down on us like that and we feel overwhelmed, but really it's about finding the highlights in that rain.
Happy Birthday DG and Jeni, I am praying for you and your family girl....and FROGging and trying to B+ for you.

What suffers when you run?

So, one of the blogs that I love reading is at:
Today the post is about what suffers when you run. I have to write about what suffers when I don't run. My life is absolutely crazy sometimes, and I would give anything for a tiny bit of normal and boring. I have 2 kiddos: A is 11 and a super responsible 11 year old at that. J is well, J is a conundrum of another sort. He was diagnosed July 31, 2007 with stage 4 liver cancer that spread to both of his lungs. 12 rounds of chemo and 2 liver transplants later we have a good liver, for the most part but there is a HUGE amount of side effects from the chemo, the cancer, and his lowered immune system. Being a single mama and struggling to do all this myself doesn't make for very optimal circumstances most of the time. Hell, to be honest most of the time I would like to throw up my hands and yell "F it!!!" So, one of Jaxon's doctors sat me down once and told me that I needed to learn to do something for me. That's where running came in....yes, I am doing it to lose weight and to get in shape, but for the most part I am doing it to be selfish and to do one thing for me and just for me. I know what else suffers when I don't kids. I have an attitude from H-E-double hockey sticks when I don't run. I hate the yelling voice I have a tendency to get when I am over-stressed. I hate the person I become due to Jaxon's illnesses, the medicine costs and just the overall too muchness of it all.
What suffers when I do run??? My house LOL. I figure that I can go for that "lived in" look versus the pristine house. I am not one of those gals that has to have a house that looks like it came out of Home and Garden, thank God!!


Monday, July 5, 2010

Why I run..

"The question is," the pseudo-intellectual smirked,

when the topic turned to running
and runners,

"What are they running from?"

What am I running from?

I'm running from a size 16, 14, 12...
and a number on the scale,
from a lifetime of bad habits,
from hating my body
from a family history of depression and obesity
from diabetes
from a genetic predisposition to heart failure.

I run.

I run from the past,
from pain,
from ten years of smoking,
from asthma,
from fallen arches
from, "too old"
from, "too late"

I run.

I run from feeling trapped,
from feeling like a loser,
from past regrets,
from things I wished I'd done differently,

I run from the back of the pack,
from DNF,
from "you're too slow,"
from "you must be crazy,"
from, "isn't that hard on your knees?"

when I run,
I run to nowhere in particular.

I run alone,
without fanfare,
without audience,
just me and the pre-dawn darkness
and my footsteps.

I know I'm slow,
and I run like a girl.

Try and keep up.